THUR-1-JULY:

♥         GORKER GALLERY opener: The40Thieves3: the 3rd offence.  6:30-8:30pm 395 gore st (cnr Kerr)

♥         no vacancy opener 6-9pm 34jane bell la. QV

♥         Exhibition launch: WEAPONS OF MASS CONSUMPTION Town Hall Gallery, Hawthorn

♥         James Makin Gallery opener 67 Cambridge St [3june, 1july, 4aug, 12aug, 9sept, 7oct, 11nov]

♥         *last ever show 4 w.t.* Wasted Truth, Pathetic Human, Fusinato, Occult Blood. 8:00pm Workers Club, cnr brnswk+Gertrude

♥         Westspace Opening. Lvl 1, 15-19anthony st. 5-7pm Semantic Clutter refers to the creative detritus generated throughout an artist’s work process. This exhibition is one of three alternating exhibitions as part of the Liquid Architecture Festival of Sound Arts

♥         Alice Euphemia Crap/OPENING, Shop 6, Cathedral Arcade, 37 Swanston St

♥         NoNO op-ening 14 raglan st, nth melb. 6-8pm Drew Pettifer, ‘Hold on to your friends’ Drew Pettifer has photographed naked young men in the most hostile terrain of all: regional Victoria

♥         TOTEpener? I thort it was shit/I mean shut… ? Tote, 71 Johnston St, Collingwood. Doors 8pm. $8 on the door. // Week 1 has some high-end harmonious support from the likes of Otouto, Ev and Shags and Isle Idore, and DJ Mint DJ-uke spinning vinyl until he is forcibly removed from the premises. Don’t miss this housewarming

FRI-2-JULY:

♥         Threw A Kiss In The Ocean’, Irene Grishin-Selzer’s  Outré opener 249eliz st, 7-9:30pm

♥         ‘Antarctica’ exhibition opening . Michael’s Camera Shop gallery, cnr Elizabeth +Lonsdale St, 5.30-7.30pm, free

♥         ‘SUB12′ opening The Substation, 1 Market st, Newport. Open 6-8pm, free entry Substation opens its newly renovated galleries for a three-month exhibition series.

♥         Criticsmiles opening-rearview Rear 244 Smith St, Collingwood. Opening 7-9pm, free entry // Kez Hughes and David Coles have a new exhibition at Rear View. They make art that refers to the experience of looking at art

♥         ‘PRIVATE’ as in “penis” and “vagina” privates? Privately I think that privates are disgusting…GUILD OPENER 6-9pm free vodka. Fuk it – lettuce crash! – or at least bum rush dis ssshitt    http://www.threethousand.com.au/out/ketel-one-house-private-opening/

♥         REMEMBER TO – NOT GO TO: shit gorker gallery ‘cool’ clothing sale. Ohwowow-70% of “who gives a fuck” if I wanna look at fashion, I’ll just check out the hot yopung nubile things loitering around brnswk st. coz I do not go south of da Yarriver. Theoretically i support local designers. Financially not. Nor interest-wise either. i cannot support myself in the fast paced fashionsphere… if i cannot keep in control and up to date with my own body hair and bikini line *that shit goes ALL the way down, baby – and so should you. Just try not to ingest anything, that’s my recommendation.* then i’ll be fucked if i could give a fuck about keeping track of what not to whore, i mean wear from season to stupid season.

 Actually i take that back. Whore is much more appropriate.

♥         BJORk nyt – red hot shorts 1^st b’day – Cinema 2, ACMI, Fed Square. 7.30pm. $10/$12 acmi.net.au // For the RHS first birthday screening it’s all about the swan-wearing Icelandic pop pixie Bjork and short films from Sundance

♥         The Clothing Exchange  noVacancy Gallery, 24-40 Jane Bell Ln, QV 6.30pm check-in. $25 clothingexchange.com.au // Swap your clothes for other people’s clothes, and get  to pay money for the priviledge, (blurgh)

SAT-3-JULY:

♥         Lovely Ladyease BDAY – keep sat 3rd july arvo/ evening free

♥         Dysphemic launch @MISS LIBERTINE w. MARK N, WASABI, BARON VON ROTTEN, KODIAK KID. 10pm-5am $10.

♥         ‘SUPER MARKET’ Gertrude Contemporary Art Spaces, 200 Gertrude St, Fitzroy. 11am-4pm. Free! // A currency-free barter with artists and collectives over superfluous wares. Bring along whatever you have to offer, be it a an old shoe, your finger-knitting skills, or a sleazy smile, and swap it for something new. – REJ

♥         Bum Creek, No Zu, Blank Realm and Table Mountain Yah Yah’s, 99 Smith St, Fitzroy, doors 8.30pm, $8//What or where is Bum Creek, exactly? I can’t get a handle on it, but they sure do float my boat. No Zu are also killing it, as are Blank Realm and last but not least, Table Mountain – some interesting one-man Adelaide shit. – MO

♥         C Grade 2nd Birthday Party! Mercat Basement, 456 Queen St, Melbourne. From 10pm to 8am. Entry $5 from 10-11pm, $10 from 11-midnight, $15 after midnight // It’s two years since C Grade started, and to celebrate they are having an ‘I’m a celebrity cardboard cutout under the sea’ party! Last one until September though because Otologic and Lewie Day are going to Europe. – Us

♥         Houlette farewell party with Geoffrey O’Connor Band, Hot Little Hands (duo), Steph Brett and friends

♥         Brother Rat Fink’s Shop, 217 St Georges Rd, Northcote. Doors 8m, entry $5 // Geofreey O’Connor band, Hot Little Hands and Steph Brett are all playing a farewell to Houlette in a shop called Brother Rat Fink’s. – Us

♥         Mid Season Sale – Limedrop, Who Am Eye, Trimapee, Lenko and Thom Finch 2nd Jul 10 – 4th Jul 10 at Gorker Gallery, 395 Gore St, Fitzroy. Fri and Sat 10am-6pm, Sun noon-5pm. Up to 70% off. CASH ONLY! // Gues what you did this weekend? You went on a three-day bender to the Limedrop, Lenko, Trimapee, Who Am Eye and Thomas Finch Mid Season Sale and saved up to 70% off quality dresses, tops and slacks. – Us.

♥         Mission Control, Sambrose Automobile, Hollow Everdaze, POON DJs The Toff, Lvl 2, Curtin House, 252 Swanston St, Melbourne, doors 9pm, $10//Mission Control sound kinda like a more tuneful Happy Mondays. Accompanying them here are a couple of skate-related projects: Sambrose Automobile featuring Ambrose Kenny Smith, Hollow Everdaze and the Poon DJs, who are the dudes who skate out the front of the State Library every day, the uncrowned kings of Melbourne. Expect Roky Erickson, Pet Shop Boys and, um, maybe some songs from skate vids. – MO

♥         Monster Skate Sale 1st Jul 10 – 4th Jul 10 Moorabin Town Hall, Cnr Nepean Hwy and South Rd, Moorabin, Thurs noon-7pm, Fri 11am-7pm; Sat 10am-6pm; Sun 10am-6pm, Up to 80% off retail//Lush Productions are clearing out 11 pallets of gear – clothing, shoes, skateboards and snowboards – and selling it dirt cheap. We’re talking CHEAP. Brands on offer include Circa, Vans, Zoo York, DC and Santa Cruz. – MO

♥         The Native Cats with Super Wild Horses and The UV Race The Birmingham, 333 Smith St, Fitzroy, doors 8pm, $10//The Native Cats are an intriguing blend of stolen basslines, Casiotone beats and what sounds suspiciously like a melodica. They’re playing with the kick-ass Super Wild Horses and wildly entertaining UV Race, so your tenner will be well spent. – MO

♥         The Shock of the New The Order of Melbourne, Lvl 2, 401 Swanston St, Melbourne. From 9pm-3am, free! // A journey into the “darkest depths of dystopian synth and indie”. Also synthpop, new beat, neue Deutsche welle, electronic body music, dark wave, Krautrock, Italo, Dutch electro, new wave and synthgaze. – Us

♥         The Sirens of Venice, ‘The Sirens of Venice’ Northcote Social Club, 301 High St, Northcote. Doors 8.30pm, tickets $12 +BF from northcotesocialclub.com // Sirens of Venice launch their album ‘Sirens of Venice’ with support from Minibikes and Boarders. – Us

SUN-4-JULY

≠                         ‘Death of a Scenester’ issue #2 fundraiser  591 High St, Thornbury (opposite Human Powered Cycles). 3pm-8.30pm. $5 donation. // There will be musical endowment to the term of Julia Deans, Jimmy Tait, Little John, and Raul Fuzz, and the bake sale will be back due to popular demand. Bound to be several kinds of delicious.

≠                         Mid Season Sale – Limedrop, Who Am Eye, Trimapee, Lenko and Thom Finch 2nd Jul 10 – 4th Jul 10 at Gorker Gallery, 395 Gore St, Fitzroy. Fri and Sat 10am-6pm, Sun noon-5pm. Up to 70% off. CASH ONLY! // Gues what you did this weekend? You went on a three-day bender to the Limedrop, Lenko, Trimapee, Who Am Eye and Thomas Finch Mid Season Sale and saved up to 70% off quality dresses, tops and slacks.

≠                         Monster Skate Sale 1st Jul 10 – 4th Jul 10 Moorabin Town Hall, Cnr Nepean Hwy and South Rd, Moorabin, Thurs noon-7pm, Fri 11am-7pm; Sat 10am-6pm; Sun 10am-6pm, Up to 80% off retail//Lush Productions are clearing out 11 pallets of gear – clothing, shoes, skateboards and snowboards – and selling it dirt cheap. We’re talking CHEAP. Brands on offer include Circa, Vans, Zoo York, DC and Santa Cruz.

TUE-6-JULY

≠                         flinders lane gall. 6july… ? 137flindersLa.?

≠                         Bus Projects and Craft Victoria present ‘The Sound Playground’ opening night  fortyfivedownstairs, 45 Flinders Lane, Melbourne. Opening 5-7pm, free entry // For their first off-site project since they’ve moved out of Bus Gallery, Bus Projects have collaborated with Craft Victoria to present The Sound Playground as part of the Liquid Architecture Festival. Sound art! Artists include Rod Cooper, Albert Mishriki and Ros Bandt, Emma Lashmar and Rowan McNaught. – Us

WED-7-JULY:

≠       ‘The Pines’ film premiere 7th Jul 10 1000 £ Bend, 361 Lt Lonsdale St, Melbourne. 6pm-midnight. Screenings at 6.30pm, 7.30pm and 9pm. Free! // This looks to be one of creepy cautionary tales that do so well on the festival circuit, and you can see it in 1000 £ Bend’s mezzanine cinema space before it starts doing its laps

≠       Human Abstract  7th Jul 10 Merlyn Theatre, Malthouse, 113 Sturt St, Southbank. Begins Wed Jul 7, runs until Sun Jul 11. Tickets $37 from www.m-tix.com.au // Some of the best dancers from The Australian Ballet are trying something new. With choreography by Lucas Jervies, ‘Human Abstract’ will explore manifestations of fear and confrontation

THUR-8-JULY:

♥         Counihan gallery opener at brunswick town hall 233 sydney rd 6-8pm(?)

♥         The Sound Playground  45 Flinders La Thursday July 8, 5:45-7:15pm; Wednesday July 14, 5:45-7:15pm; Friday July 16, 5:45-7:15pm; All tickets $15.

FRI-9-JULY:

♥         Grotesque erotique 696 syd rd 6-9pm

♥         little memories exhibition 2A Little Breese Street, Brnswk 6pm->

SAT-10-JULY:

♥           THE BRUNSWICK SHOW 2010 DONKEY WHEEL HOUSEl; 673 BOURKE ST (near southern cross station) 7-10pm

SUN-11-JULY:

≠       Matthew Barney on Film – ACMI Cinemas, Fed Square, Melbourne. From 3.30-9.42pm, tickets $35. // ACMI screens Matthew Barney’s entire Cremaster Cycle in one sitting. Having done this will give you a quiet confidence you can carry to art fairs for the rest of your life. – Us

WED-14-JULY:

≠       GORKER wineTasting: The 40 Thieves 3 6-7pm 395 gore st (cnr Kerr)

FRI-16-JULY:

≠       The Inaugural Australasian Ginger Festival Where: Jules Bar, 81 High St, Westgarth When: Fri Jul 16 and Sat Jul 17, 8pm How much  Free! Description: Instead of staying in and watching stupid vicroads ads or wildly ‘confronting’ MIA clips this weekend, celebrate the wonderful pheomelanin pigmentation as beheld of many of our finest citizens. The IAGF is offering free cocktails to redheads all weekend, ginger DJs including the fresh off the plane skills of Caroline ‘George Street Clowns’ Anderson, and much more. Julia Gillard has been invited, though who knows if she will show. Their may be some gay people in attendance, after all  

SAT-16/17??-JULY:

♥         “EMBOLISM”@ the Mercat X basement 10pm-6am DISLASYSTEM [syd]; SADO; ERRORIST; SEMTEX DISRUPTOR; TODDAK [ex autonomous]; DJ EARBLEEDER; NULL HYPOTHESIS; more TBA ; Live videoed farts by VJ iCandy; Sculptures by Futurelic. $10 entry

MON-22-JULY:

♥         “‘The secret of life’ group show ARTISTS WANTED” ENTRIES DUE mon 22 JULY [ Tues, Aug 3 at 6pm, SJS GALLERY] – costs dumb $40 to enter.

Tue-23-july:

♥         MelbWriterFesty =volunteers wanted? http://www.mwf.com.au/2010/content/mwf-2010-home.asp?, http://www.threethousand.com.au/out/melbourne-writers-festival-call-for-volunteers/  ,  http://www.mwf.com.au/2010/content/mwf-2010-standard.asp?name=volunteer

THUR-29-JULY:

♥         flinders la. gall opener 5:30-7:30pm 137flinders la.

THUR-5-AUG:

♥         “‘The secret of life’ group show OPENS 5th aug 6-9pm 120alexandra pde

♥         No Vacancy – acorn show or Go Font Yrself 6-9pm  http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=126166927413203

Fri-6-AUG

♥         Th Sideshow ‘art’ Competition @ 696 Ink,closes fri 6 aug (no larger than A2).

Fri-13-AUG:

≠       696 sYdney rd tattoo opener 6-9pm *(?)

·         opener @ 20-24 guildford lane 6pm RMIT architekture & design postgrad exhib

·         dickerson gallery opener 44oxford st,collingwd 6-8pm

·         PM2 art 191johnston 6-9pm – A Tale of Two Kellys’ by Kelly Smith and Kelly Thompson

·         opener at Abbotsford convent,1 St Heliers St 6-8pm

·          uncomfort@ pony (SADO (Public Disgrace); ROOFTOP ACCESS (8-Bit Recordings); MYSTRAL TIDE (Demus); NnOIZE KkID SYSTEM (Public Disgrace))

Thur 28

·         opener @ 137 flinders lane gallery, 5:30-7:30pm

·         VCA opener 40dodds st 6-8pm

·         Opening @ gasworks art park 6-8pm

·         Patterns of Creative Aggression launch 6:30-9pm, noVacancy gallery 27red cape lane,QV blding

·         handhald gallery opener 6-8pm, Suite 18, Paramount Arcade 108 Bourke st 

·         lamington drive opener 89george st fitzroy 6-9pm

·         “Plug n play : thu may 28 : Black Wasp Vs Faux Pas”@ kent st cafe, smith st 8-11pm

Fri 29 may

·         Blender studios (f)art opener @ MichaelKoroGallery 110 Franklin st 6-9pm

·         utopian slumps 5/25 easey st 6-9pm

·         creepy cripple opener @ 696syd rd 6-9pm

·         mcculloch opener 6-10pm (hex on expensive drinkartshows) 8rankins lane

·         Enzyme @ Blue Velvet, 60-smith st. $8, 8pm-> w. Chiron, BasticH, theunsoundproject, Single Lens Reflex, Horopter, Ben Taylor, DJ infectious unease, DJ sarcophony

Sat 30 may

·         outre gallery showcase, 2pm->, 249eliz st

·         opener 3-5pm 108 gertrude st

·         opening 6-8pm 142-4 weston st brnswk east

·         Trocadero Artspace opener 4-6pm Lvl 1, 119 Hopkins St footscray

·         markN,xian,paulBlackout,COOH@night owl-cnr eliz&flinders lane, $10

Sun 31 may

·         My Aeon 7991syd rd-3pm-3am- $10 DIABOLIC BBQ BASH feat:Balkansky (Cooh); Mark N; Paul Blackout; DJ Zeitgeist; Xehpa; Dave Quantize; Xian; Toapee; Lex ; Punks on Junk; Jaymdee. FREE BANGERS&BURGERS

·         Alan Holley “Sunday Concerts at Until Never” lvl2, 3-5hosier lane, 4-5:30pm $10/15(g.F’d)?

TUESD 2 june 

• 45 downstairs flinders lane opener 5-7pm

• Collaborative stencil workshop and exhibition by Indigenous artists opener City Library Gallery 253 Flinders Ln 6-7.30PM

 

•  mossenson indigenous art opener 6-8pm 41derby st, collingwd
near enough to FoodNotBombs 7:30-8pm cnr gertrude & brnswk sts

Wednes 3 june

·         Gallery 101 opener? 6-8pm 101 collins st, inside big foyer, past da fountains (useful to have a wash if you stink after wIRKSOME)

·         pigment gallery opener 5:30-7:30pm  Lvl 2 Nicholas Blding, 37SwanstonSt

• neon parc opener ? 1/53 bourke st

·         gorker art/winetasting 6-7pm, 395 gore st.

·        Per Square Metre roundup Opener 6-8pm 191johnston st

Thur 4 june

·         RMIT projectspace opener 23cardigan st 5-7pm

·         RMIT main gallery opener 6-8pm 344 swanston

·         ‘enclosure’ opener 6-8pm 51grey st, st kilda & Opener at the Centre of Contempt for Photography 404george st collingwd 6-8pm

Fri 5 june

·         queer zombie prom @ bar 303 high st nthcote 9:30-3:30am

·         studio 7a, 238 brnswk st (behind BlackCat) 6-9pm

·         Famous when dead opener 6-8pm 207vic st, west melb

·         platform openers 6-8pm degraves subway & D90 : a mix-tape zine #3 launch @ sticky

·         mcculloch gallery closing party 6-10pm

·         20-24 Guildford lane kessel poster art exhibit

·         films @abc gallery 7/7:30-10pm 127 campbell st collingwd [suicide circle & lynchian ‘the grandmother’

 Sun 7 june

It is a simple, and intensely effective way of distinguishing good art from bad art, or as philthosa/destruction term “total shit / totally excellent”

The p/d model requires only one art viewer, but the model works most effectively with two participants. Three or more can also participate, but all must be in agreement of the inherent validity and complete accurateness of the p/d model. Conversations that challenge the model whilst it is being implemented serve no purpose apart from revealing the argumentative participant as a “wanker”.

1. Participants begin at the art piece to the furthest left of the art space. If this beginning point cannot be determined, the participants should agree on a randomly determined piece.

2. Participants ponder the piece together in silence for approx 10 seconds.

3. In no particular order, participants should vocalise one of two potential responses, “Yes” or “No”.

4. Participants move to the next piece and repeat steps 2 & 3.

note: If the gallery is jam-packed full of stuff, and it is not possible to look at each individual piece, the participants may rate the entire exhibition with the “Yes” or “No” response.

A “Yes” response may inspire the participants to further engage in cheap wine and annoying conversation.

A “No” response may inspire…..exactly the same thing.